With apologies to Cole Porter on his birthday: You’re the Trump

Would Donald Trump have put Cole Porter “Down in the Depths”? Or would it be “Just One of Those Things”?

You’re the Trump! You’re the popular vote loser.
You’re the Trump! Your VP’s a Hoosier.
Lost to Hillary Clinton by 3 million votes.
Without voter suppression and racist expressions,
You’d be toast!
You’re a jerk! You’re a full loose cannon.
You’re the work of Brietbart’s Steve Bannon.
Your dropping polls are waiting for a bump.
But they’re sinking to the bottom.
You’re the Trump!

One of the most clever lyricists ever to write for the American stage was Cole Porter. The prolific and witty composer and songwriter wrote some 800 songs for Broadway, movies, and television from the 1920s through the 1950s. His hit shows included Can-Can, Jubilee, and Kiss Me, Kate, for which he won a Tony Award. Some of his best-known songs are “My Heart Belongs to Daddy,” “I Get a Kick Out of You,” and “You’d Be So Easy to Love.” “Night and Day” is still listed as one of the top money earners by ASCAP, the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers.

Porter was born June 9, 1891, in Peru, Indiana, where he is buried and is still celebrated as a favorite son. The Indiana Historical Society celebrates June as “Cole Porter Month.” Peru holds a four-day Cole Porter Festival each year on the second weekend of June, the weekend closest to his birthday. The festival offers revues, multimedia presentations, and tours of the Cole Porter birthplace and wraps up on June 11.

Porter was born to a wealthy family and grew up well-off, studying piano and violin at a young age. He and his mother often sat at the piano and sang parodies of the day’s popular standards. Porter wrote songs and shows as a student at Yale University. He married wealthy socialite Linda Lee Thomas in Paris, and they lived lavishly in Paris and Venice. By all accounts, she never minded his homosexuality (reports say she didn’t care as long as he wasn’t “flamboyant”). The 1946 Porter biopic, Night and Day, with Cary Grant, ignored his sexual orientation, while the 2004 De-Lovely, with Kevin Kline, was more honest.

Porter wasn’t particularly political except that he enjoyed making fun of people in power. He was openly gay and he was an agnostic, two characteristics that could have been career killers, given the times, but most definitely were not. Some of his songs were sly challenges to the morals of the day. “You’re the Top” from Anything Goes has been described as a reference to his sexual orientation. According to a piece by the Freedom From Religion Foundation:

How many conservative Christians who love Porter melodies realize that “You’d Be So Nice To Come Home To” was written for a dancer and choreographer named Nelson Barclift, with whom Cole had had a long romantic relationship? That was “our song,” Barclift recalled. … Other Cole Porter songs were written from feelings arising from infatuations and relationships with men such as Russian dancer Boris Kochno and architect Eddy Tauch. …

Cole Porter spent much of his life battling censors, who thought jazz, dancing, and popular song lyrics were corrupting the morality of America. [Andrew] Volstead, the congressman who introduced the 18th Amendment prohibiting the sale of liquor, “was a natural target for Porter, who opposed the Puritan tendency of some Americans to try to legislate against personal freedom.” An early production of Fifty Million Frenchmen contained Porter’s song, “A Toast to Volstead,” with the lyrics: “A long life to Volstead / Our senator from heaven sent. / Let us give our endorsement / To his act of enforcement, … Here’s a long life to Volstead, / And I hope he dies of thirst.”

In 1937, Porter suffered a devastating horseback-riding accident in which both of his legs were crushed. He lived in pain and had multiple surgeries even as he kept writing music until his death in 1964.

So why are we discussing Cole Porter? Well, in honor of the songwriter’s birthday, “You’re the Top” seemed to cry out for new words to make fun of the so-called 45th president, in the same way that Porter and his mother parodied the songs of his day. So without further ado, here is “You’re the Trump.”

At words patriotic, you’re so chaotic
That we always have found it best,
Instead of quoting your words with zest,
To let your speech go unexpressed.
In the past election we made our selection.
No one thought you would get this far.
Your seat of power is still Trump Tower.
But we’re going to tell you how dumb you are.

You’re the Trump! You’re the popular vote loser.
You’re the Trump! Your VP’s a Hoosier.
Lost to Hillary Clinton by 3 million votes.
Without voter suppression and racist expressions,
You’d be toast!
You’re a jerk! You’re a full loose cannon.
You’re the work of Brietbart’s Steve Bannon.
Your dropping polls are waiting for a bump.
But they’re sinking to the bottom.
You’re the Trump!

You’re the Trump! You listen to Jared.
You’re the Trump! Might as well be Herod.
You brag about a beautiful chocolate cake.
When the world starts to teeter near the Chinese leader,
You’re a total fake!
We pay time down at Mar-a-Lago.
It’s our dime. Glad it’s not Trinidad and Tobago.
Your mental skills are less than Forrest Gump.
If your IQ’s at the bottom,
You’re the Trump!

You’re the Trump! You scream, “It’s fake news!”
You’re the Trump! You’ve got a short fuse.
You love to send out tweets at 3 a.m.
You insult the media based on Wikipedia,
You create mayhem.
You only care about the TV rating.
And your hair looks like two moths mating.
With your long ties, you’re dressed just like a frump.
And you tape them at the bottom.
You’re the Trump!

You’re the Trump! You leave laws to Paul Ryan.
You’re the Trump! Both of you are lyin’.
Your actions imperil both the Senate and the House.
Your executive orders won’t change our borders.
You’re such a louse!
You’re small hands. You’re a tool of Putin.
And your plans include a Treasury lootin’.
Your antics put Republicans in a slump.
Hope they like it at the bottom.
You’re the Trump!

You’re the Trump! You promised more jobs.
You’re the Trump! You fooled those poor slobs.
Your skin’s a bigly orange-ish shade of tan,
So release your taxes, or you’ll get the ax,
You’re a YUGE con man!
By next fall, we’ll have Democrats winning.
And it’s all because of your great sinning.
You must think each voter is a chump,
But we’ll get you out of office,
Let’s dump Trump!

 

2 Comments on “With apologies to Cole Porter on his birthday: You’re the Trump

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