‘Suggestions’ for Donald Trump’s VP list (UPDATE)

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There are news reports that real estate mogul Donald Trump is starting to develop at a list of people to be his running mate.

The de facto Republican presidential nominee has appointed New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie to rustle up possible vice presidents. Ever since Christie dropped out of the race himself and endorsed the Donald, he’s had an “Oh-God-what-did-I-do” look on his face every time the two are seen in public together. So it’s good to give him an actual job, since he’s ignoring the one the people of New Jersey elected him to do.

Actually, Gov. Christie, I can save you a lot of time by offering some names. I’m sure you’ll find these “suggestions” helpful. And each name would create a unique team with the would-be narcissist-in-chief to present a unified front for the country. Until citizens flee to Canada.

The bully ticket. A Trump-Christie ticket would give voters the choice of two of the biggest bullies in politics. Both have mastered the practice of yelling at anyone who disagrees with them, like reporters, teachers, Democrats, presidential rivals, whoever, and milked the coverage and the bully vote because of it. Who can ever forget Christie’s takedown of Florida Sen. Marco Rubio’s debate performance and the “same old 25-second speech”?

The serial philanderer ticket. How about former House Speaker Newt Gingrich? He’s supposedly being considered already — either that, or he’s just telling everyone that he is, just to prove his relevancy and to launch some new money-making scheme. That, in itself, is a lot like Trump’s failed products. But what they really have in common is the fact that both men have cheated on multiple wives, only to marry a newer, younger model. There’s your family values candidate right there. Six wives between the two of them.

The hair ticket. It wasn’t that long ago that former Texas Gov. Rick Perry called Trump a “toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense” and said that he was a “cancer on conservatism.” I guess being out of office and out of the limelight makes people change their minds, because now Perry’s all in for Trump. With the guy that earned the nickname of “Gov. Goodhair” from the late, great Molly Ivins, this ticket would be a wealth of hair follicles. And it’s been too long since we’ve seen the photo of the insect that looks like Trump’s hair:

The rare flannel moth that looks like Donald Trump's hair.

The rare flannel moth that looks like Donald Trump’s hair.

The xenophobe ticket. So many Republicans on board with this hateful rhetoric. One of the worst is Iowa Rep. Steve King, who claimed that immigrants are really drug mules with “calves the size of cantaloupes.” King was a huge backer of Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, but I’m sure he’ll come around.

The Islamaphobia ticket. Who else to choose in the VP slot but former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who is now heading a “commission” to study Trump’s proposed ban on Muslims coming into this country? Giuliani was already described as a “noun, verb, and 9/11” during the 2008 presidential contest, so he’ll fit right in.

The Voldemort ticket. Florida Gov. Rick Scott, with his bald pate, has been described as looking like the evil dark lord in the Harry Potter stories. Considering what Trump is proposing to do to the country, Scott, with his idiotic and money-wasting policies of drug-testing welfare recipients, would be a natural. Plus, they could hang out at Mar-a-Lago.

Separated at birth?

Separated at birth?

The “gender-balance” ticket. Think Trump doesn’t have his own #WomanCard to play? He could easily choose a female running mate in an attempt to attract women voters (not that it would do him much good). Carly Fiorina disqualified herself by “running” with Ted Cruz. How about former Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer? She’s reportedly on the short list and has endorsed him already. Of course, she might perform as poorly in a VP debate as she did in a gubernatorial debate in 2010.

Looking for other possibilities? Here’s a story from last summer that shows some, uh, candidates. Dennis Rodman or Hulk Hogan, anyone?

So many choices. And all of them bad.

UPDATE: Over in the UK, Tory MP Boris Johnson, who led the fight for Britain to leave the European Union, has apparently been squeezed out of running for prime minister. But Johnson was born in New York and can presumably claim dual citizenship. With both men’s faux-populist views, Trump-Johnson would be a match made in … somewhere. Plus, they could run as the “bad hair” ticket.

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