Jeb! Bush the musical coming to a campaign near you

But can he campaign in tap shoes?

But can he campaign in tap shoes?

Some of the great musical theater composers and lyricists are gone, but Jeb! cries out for a ballad, a belting show-stopper, and a quick dance break.

Many have poked fun at the new logo for the campaign of former Florida Gov. (and former front-runner) Jeb Bush, but they’re not looking at the opportunity to turn this into a new hit show. Tony winners like Fun Home? American in Paris? Move over. Jeb! the musical is opening on the political equivalent of Broadway. Let’s start with a little Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim and a rewritten version of “The Jet Song” from West Side Story:

 

When you’re a Bush, you’re a Bush all the way

From your first Iraq War to your Wall Street pre-pay!

When you’re a Bush, when oil pollutes tar sand

You’ve got brothers around, you’re a family man!

You’re never too rich, you’re never disconnected.

You’re home with your funds

When Clinton is expected, you’re well protected!

Then you are set with a capital B

And you’ll fight for the votes of a party called Tea.

Here comes Jeb! Bush — neocons’ war machine.

ISIS gets in our way, we’ll send troops to the scene.

We’re drawin’ the line, so keep Dick Cheney hidden!

We’re hangin’ a sign, says “Democrats forbidden”

And we ain’t kiddin’!

 

No? How about a little Cole Porter? A new version of “You’re the Top” from Anything Goes:

 

At policy specific, I’m so horrific that I always have found it best

To change my mind. You’re unimpressed?

I hate parading my serenading, as I’ll probably sing off-key,

But if this ditty is not so pretty,

At least it’ll say you should vote for me!

I’m a Bush! I’m a Cheney creation!

I’m a Bush! So what if I ruin the nation?

Losing personal staff, I can’t run a good campaign.

But my super PAC’s healthy even if money’s filthy

It’s a billionaire’s gain!

I’m a Bush! I’m too much like milquetoast.

I’m a Bush! Not too Right or Left Coast.

I’m the nominee of the G.O.P., or GOP!

So vote Jeb! please come November or I’ll pop!

 

(Note: The “GOP nominee” line contains Cole Porter’s actual words in the song.)

We have to include a little Rodgers and Hammerstein! Here are updated words to “My Favorite Things” from Sound of Music:

 

Rubio and Ted Cruz and Dr. Ben Carson.

The Cleveland convention has a guy named Jeff Larson.

Carly and Lindsey — they’re running, too.

Maybe the Donald! What am I gonna do?

Rand Paul sounds nutty, and so does Santorum.

They should be stuck on Fox’s afternoon forum

Then there’s a loser named Mike Huckabee.

Why can’t we get the list down to just three?

When Fox News calls, when the polls drop,

When I’m feeling sad,

I simply remember my mother’s advice:

“When you’re in doubt, go ask Dad.”

 

Thanks to a local Dem friend for putting this idea in my head. Apologies to musical theater composers and lyricists everywhere, who have much more talent than I do.

Come to think of it, maybe Jeb! Bush running for president is more like Finding Neverland.

 

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