Jeb! Bush the musical coming to a campaign near you
Some of the great musical theater composers and lyricists are gone, but Jeb! cries out for a ballad, a belting show-stopper, and a quick dance break.
Many have poked fun at the new logo for the campaign of former Florida Gov. (and former front-runner) Jeb Bush, but they’re not looking at the opportunity to turn this into a new hit show. Tony winners like Fun Home? American in Paris? Move over. Jeb! the musical is opening on the political equivalent of Broadway. Let’s start with a little Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim and a rewritten version of “The Jet Song” from West Side Story:
When you’re a Bush, you’re a Bush all the way
From your first Iraq War to your Wall Street pre-pay!
When you’re a Bush, when oil pollutes tar sand
You’ve got brothers around, you’re a family man!
You’re never too rich, you’re never disconnected.
You’re home with your funds
When Clinton is expected, you’re well protected!
Then you are set with a capital B
And you’ll fight for the votes of a party called Tea.
Here comes Jeb! Bush — neocons’ war machine.
ISIS gets in our way, we’ll send troops to the scene.
We’re drawin’ the line, so keep Dick Cheney hidden!
We’re hangin’ a sign, says “Democrats forbidden”
And we ain’t kiddin’!
No? How about a little Cole Porter? A new version of “You’re the Top” from Anything Goes:
At policy specific, I’m so horrific that I always have found it best
To change my mind. You’re unimpressed?
I hate parading my serenading, as I’ll probably sing off-key,
But if this ditty is not so pretty,
At least it’ll say you should vote for me!
I’m a Bush! I’m a Cheney creation!
I’m a Bush! So what if I ruin the nation?
Losing personal staff, I can’t run a good campaign.
But my super PAC’s healthy even if money’s filthy
It’s a billionaire’s gain!
I’m a Bush! I’m too much like milquetoast.
I’m a Bush! Not too Right or Left Coast.
I’m the nominee of the G.O.P., or GOP!
So vote Jeb! please come November or I’ll pop!
(Note: The “GOP nominee” line contains Cole Porter’s actual words in the song.)
We have to include a little Rodgers and Hammerstein! Here are updated words to “My Favorite Things” from Sound of Music:
Rubio and Ted Cruz and Dr. Ben Carson.
The Cleveland convention has a guy named Jeff Larson.
Carly and Lindsey — they’re running, too.
Maybe the Donald! What am I gonna do?
Rand Paul sounds nutty, and so does Santorum.
They should be stuck on Fox’s afternoon forum
Then there’s a loser named Mike Huckabee.
Why can’t we get the list down to just three?
When Fox News calls, when the polls drop,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my mother’s advice:
“When you’re in doubt, go ask Dad.”
Thanks to a local Dem friend for putting this idea in my head. Apologies to musical theater composers and lyricists everywhere, who have much more talent than I do.
Come to think of it, maybe Jeb! Bush running for president is more like Finding Neverland.