Koch Bracket: All the candidates either have or wish they had their own sugar-daddy billionaires, but the top seed has to be former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, who has been raking in the dough like Croesus. Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, the love child of Charles and David Koch, is a close second. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio also places in this bracket because of his backing from Florida billionaire auto dealer Norman Braman. Play-in candidates are New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who thought he was a lock for Wall Street money but whom no one likes anymore, and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina, who is under the delusion she’ll get backing from the tech sector.
Hair Bracket: Top seed is Donald Trump, for obvious reasons. Others in this bracket are those still sporting the dry look: former Texas Gov. Rick Perry, often called Gov. Goodhair by the late, great columnist Molly Ivins; and Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder. Ohio Gov. John Kasich will face Former Maryland Gov. Bob Ehrlich in a hair-off.
Just for fun, here’s that rare caterpillar that looks like Donald Trump’s hair.
Neocon Bracket: Top seed is former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton, who spread as much false information about Iraq’s WMDs as anybody. South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham runs a close second, because he never met a war he didn’t like. New York Rep. Peter King belongs here because of his wacky House hearings on the “radicalization” of American Muslims, which many compared to the hearings of Wisconsin Sen. Joe McCarthy in the 1950s.
Boring Bracket: Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore and former New York Gov. George Pataki. This will serve as a playoff into the Neocon Bracket.
Jesus Bracket: Top seed is Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who has to be No. 1 because he’s an ordained minister and never tires of bringing the religious crazy, like the time he blamed the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School on the lack of school prayer. Not far behind, though, are former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, who once compared homosexuality to beastiality, and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, who wants to make his state’s “religious freedom” law even worse than Indiana’s. Indiana Gov. Mike Pence belongs here by default as penance for his state’s dumb RFRA law.
Nutjob Bracket: Top seed is a tie between Kentucky Gov. Rand Paul, who claimed that the Ebola virus could be transmitted through the air, and retired pediatric neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson, who compared Obamacare to slavery and keeps saying America is like Nazi Germany. Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is a natural for this bracket, too, because of wacky claims like his statement that gay marriage leads to Christianity becoming hate speech. It’s a shame Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert was only teasing with rumors of a run, because he’d win this round hands down.
Grover Norquist Bracket: Oh, who am I kidding? They could all belong here.
Obviously, this isn’t working out evenly, mathematically speaking. So Mike Pence will face Ted Cruz, because we all want Cruz to go away, and that winner stays in the Jesus Bracket. Rand Paul and Ben Carson will each get a bye in the early rounds so they can think of even more outrageous things to say.
But hey, it’s early days. Someone could drop out, or a new candidate could throw his or her hat in the ring. And maybe Louie Gohmert will change his mind…